Choices

Sometimes in life we have to make certain choices that we don't always know if our hearts were into it fully. We decide most of the time on what our feelings tell us to, but never what our mind suggests that we do. We go back and forth effortlessly once the choice is made on the reasons why we should never have made the choice to begin with. Why do we do that? Why do we pray for things, have our prayers answered, to only find ourselves not truly satisfied with the blessing that we received. I'm sick and tired of living like that because I am not free. I'm not free from the lack of confidence in my choice and I'm not free to what I now must live with because you cannot go back in time. Choices are meant to bite one in their a** when they least expect it to. Can't we stop ourselves you ask? Can't we look for more reasons to support the choosing of a better choice? Sure to all above. However, if you did stop, how would you know it was the wrong choice? If you did seek more reasons, would you truly be happy with the results? Probably not. We are fearful of the unknown, but so nosey to see what it is. No one said this would be easy.

Online Is No Different Than Offline

I've been doing this whole online dating thing for almost three yrs. I started doing it because I found myself having no time to meet and greet men. I felt that being online, would allow me the time to handle my business while pursuing a great relationship. Some of my friends asked me "Why don't you meet someone on the street?" or "OMG...Why would you want to go online...that's so whack!" My thing was..there are some people that have been successful with online dating. They meet a great guy, go on dates, marry them and even have children. So hell yea...I'm going to try it. It might give me a better group of me, than what I've been meeting offline. HELL NAH. Over these three yrs, I've learned so much about myself and men that it isn't even funny. The one thing that sticks out the most, is the inconsistency that they show. With some of them, online conversation seems to flow consistently. It seems that I am on the same page with them and they totally understand what it is that I need from a man. Okay..so now it is time to take the next step which is exchanging numbers. This takes places because I had a great feeling that this is a decent man...showing and making me feel how I should, which is terrific. This is the point that things shift. They don't call as much, if they do communicate it is through texting and if we do make it on a date...they are broke or cheap as hell. I am so sick and tired of being alone. I am so sick and tired of watching those around me, meet their mate. I feel stagnated, depressed and lonely. How hard is it for boy to like girl, girl to like boy and both parties really get to know one another...without sex being involved. I mean it happens because both parties have genuine feelings and likeness towards one another. How hard is it really to call someone and ask them how is/was their day, how are they feeling or simply just letting them know that they were being thought about. Why does this society suck when it comes to being stable, honest, consistent and worthy?????? I spoke to a longtime friend tonight and she told me...ERASE ALL ONLINE DATING PROFILES...I was like ALL??? She said yes ALL. She told me to stop looking and wait for it to come to me. So I erased them. It was not difficult, because in my eyes, no one was really hitting me up with a promise of a future. It has been a very depressing journey, in search of a good man to complete my family. I need a husband and my son needs a father. When will my turn finally come? This is what I ask myself everyday. I have moments where I feel so lonely that I will began to cry because I just don't understand what is wrong with me. I understand that GOD works @ his own pace...but smh...WHY SO SLOW????

My Last Mistake

I just knew that I had met a wonderful man. He was 33 yrs of age, had a legit job, looked pretty decent, had a lil whip (a hoopty, but it was his), he seemed to be a great dad and he was interested in my son and I. He was consistent with so many things. He called @ the same time each day, he came when he said he was coming (No matter how tired he was), he helped my son w/ his homework, wash dishes, cleaned out the house (even the fridge) and he laid me on my back ever so gently and he always paid when we went out or ordered in. The man even paid bills. People when I tell you I thought I hit the jackpot, someone must've had a hidden camera somewhere cause this nigga was a flux. He was MARRIED. He never once mentioned it. I saw it on his paystub (Yes, I was being nosey). It was in my house, so why the hell not. He wasn't just married, but this trifling azz had me thinking that I needed to help him go to court to start proceedings on a child support and visitation case w/ his baby mom's, BUT she was his wife as well. All he use to refer to her as was his "baby mother". Come to find out...he was already paying child support, he had been paying it for the past three mths prior to meeting me. Who the hell lies about some shyt like that...smdh! Ya'll think that's it...not by a long shot...this negro got some chick pregnant in Mass. right before meeting me. That GROWN ASS, who is 35 yrs of age w/ 3 daughters, woman begin hitting me up w/ personal messages on FB, saying only GOD knows. I'm sure you all are wondering what his azz had to say. Not a thing. He closed himself off from all communication for awhile. gave simple azz "I'm sorry's" and "I didn't know how to tell you cause I didn't want to lose you"! He told me that he was "married but seperated". If you're married but seperated, your tax filing status would state that and he had 3 dependents that he was filing for. What the hell do I look like "BoBo the clown" or "Booboo the fool"?. He used to also tell me that he lived w/ his cousin (who he says he always argued w/), whom I never met and that he often stayed by his grandmother's house. That's why he never took me to his house. I think that he lives w/ his wife and that's why he started doing "Disappearing Acts" on the wknds. He had to put in his time. All this crap took place in 3 to 4 mths. These dudez out here are simply amazing. I am So Sick and Tired of men feeling like they can pull the wool over our eyes. Thinking that we aren't good enough to know the truth nor smart enough to figure out when we are being lied to. When they caught, they throw all type of excuses into the air to help clear their heads...not ours. Where is he now? Who the hell knows. The chick in Mass should be about 5mths this month. So that dude has 1 failed marriage and 2 children, by 2 different woman. Damn shame. I told him to learn to wrap that shyt up...don't he want better for himself. Also, that Mass chick was only his for 6 mths, when he impregnated her. He's a real f-ing azz...I just had to let ppl know out there...that bad things DO happen to good ppl. I am a prime example of that

People That Do Not Know What They Want

There is this person that I've dealt with on and off since last year. Recently, it has however been more off than on. I could see myself last year doing nothing more than being a part of their life. Whatever personal s**t that they got hit with, I only knew that I had to be there for them. I put myself into circumstances and situations that are beneath me and time consuming because I felt that they needed my support. The unfortunate part is that they never returned the favor. Whenever I needed them, they always had a damn excuse as to why they were no shows, or why they didn't answer the phone or why they were too damn incompetent. So after awhile the LOVE feeling started to drift away and I decided that I was not going to sit and wait for someone to realize that they wanted ME. S**T, I am doing wonderful things with my life, why would someone not want me, RIGHT? Wrong...I dealt with other people in the middle, but I ALWAYS seem to fall back on them. There was this..idk...way about them that just made me feel that I needed them with me. Everytime I went back due to them promising change, nothing changed. Absolutely nothing. They promised marriage, a ring, an apartment change or at least moving in with one another, support with both my son and my new business, but again nothing came out as promised. Do people that lead people on realize how fu**ed up that really is? How twisted of a person they must be to mind f**k? The better question is "DO THEY CARE?" I think the answer is no. Anyway back to them, I stay telling them that I am evolving and that their chance will past and they will not matter or exist to me anymore. I think this is merely a joke to them because they turn around and text "I NEED YOU" Yeah...right...lmfao! I think at the end of the day, people are just for themselves. It is the selfish attribute that they allow to surface, that keeps them from obtaining any positive lyfe experiences. Imaging that after all the sad, crying days, days of feeling lonely while dealing with the b.s., all the harsh comments and total disregard for me and my worth, they turned around and texted "I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU"! Yall know what I want to write, (but I don't know how many different races are reading this) so i'll just write "brother" puleeezzeee! Stay with who? Not me, the person that you totally treat like crap and only need me when you need me! You can stay right where you rest @. I wasn't important before, so don't make me valued now! This makes me so sick and I am definitely tired. Thank you for listening!

Natural Takers

What gives ppl the right to feel that they don't have to give you anything, but you must give everything. I get the message that ppl become used taking w/o having to actually give anything. That is so selfish. When you are in any relationship, where you like the person, you do everything you can for them. You take them out, you spend ya bread, you always make sure they have and most importantly, you show a genuine care. Now when you play devil's advocate and you look at what they give you, you se that you receive, attitudes, hand out all the time, stubborness, selfishness and pure exasperation like you are the problem. Okay, then you fall aprt and we becomes I. What makes them think that when it is all over, that they still have the right to reap the benefits of what it was when they had you. They ask you to still do s**t for them and give them things like you dtill deal with them. When they left you. The crazy part in the end, all that they show you by still having their hand out is that they were taking you for nothing more than a giver. I'm so sick and tired of dealing with that b.s. What makes ppl not understand that ppl should not be used. If you are done with them, simply leave them alone. Don't act nice just so you can still get. Don't ask for s**t, get a no response and then say..."I really didn't want it, I just wanted to see what you were gonna say". YEAH RIGHT. Your a** just tight cause the answer was NO! LOL...Thanks for listening as usual.

That's my boy

I love my son to death but the boy has a head, that is as hard as a rock. There is never a time that I've asked him to do something where I find myself repeating the job over and over again. Each morning he wakes up with this grim look on his face, like I have some nerve waking him up. "Boy don't you know that you have to go to school". I feel like telling him "Don't blame it on me, blame it on The President of The United States"...lol! He is truly something else. He forgets everything at school besides his body and when you ask him what happened to the things he takes out the house. He puts his head down and looks at me with this sad puppy face look and says absolutely nothing. I sometimes hear myself sounding like my mom. I tell him "Money does not grow on trees". He cracks a smile and that just pisses me off more. My child is something else indeed. If you are reading this and you are a parent, please leave a comment if you go through the same things. I'm quite sure you do though ....I AM NOT ALONE. Thanks for listening.

Gimmie a Break

When you tell a someone that you just want to take things slow, do you believe you are speaking another language? I think I am. If I sit down and tell you all the reasons that I do not want you to kiss all on me, caress me, blow in my ear and nibble on my ni**les then that is a sign that I am not interested in what you are selling at this time. It is not that I don't like you or that I DO NOT WANT TO LAY DOWN AND HAVE UNADULTERATED SEX, it's just that my past is preventing me from opening up wide (so to speak). I enjoy all of lyfe's valuable treasures but damn is too much to ask for when I say I want to take things slow. They thought they were going in for the kill when they decide to do the whole "I'm just gonna let my hands roam until you say stop" move. Well my shorty..STOP...lol! People seem to have their own motives and they do not take into consideration that it may have them looked at in a bad way afterwards. I guess that they just do not care. Well you know that their a** was politely asked to go home. It has been some days since we've spoken like that. I'm too grown for ppl to try 12 yr old moves on me. I mean my son is 9, he will be trying them on chicks in a few years anywho. Why do I want to have that in common with my son? Thanks for listening.